The Girl Handbook

Last night my husband and I went out with very dear true friends, lets call them Tax Babe and Legal Eagle. (D does that suit you?) Anyhow, they are the kind of friends you don't see every day but you know they are there, and will be there. Tax babe is my touchstone. She can put into words all the pithy, arch remarks that I am thinking without sounding obnoxious or snotty (like I would) and is so ....just on, you know? She is also like me in that she finds certain things and people ludicrous, hilarious. I usually fall into the same hearty laugh at the same time she does. We do not touch base everyday and I am grateful actually. First, it is so much fun to catch up when we do and second, I kind of suck at the girlfriend thing. I get distracted, or busy at work and I don't "check in". I have a couple of gal pals who have dropped me for this very reason. I can't say I didn't warn them. I am awful at remembering birthdays or at calling to check in. I have one friend so fixated on her child that she calls to constantly interpret what is going on for them socially. This is when you realize, high school never ended for some people. While I tried to remain friends, she really was into me "proving" myself and remembering her detailed conversations etc. I simply couldn't do it. It just wasn't healthy in my book. I finally realized that reciprocation in friendship with her would only mean trading miseries, and what kind of friendship is that? I don't want a seat at the pity party anymore. I want to celebrate happiness and life.

Then there are the girls who are totally insulted if you go out as couples without them...but they often go out without you and your husband and think nothing of it. They make a big to do about what parties they have been invited to, or what they are wearing or whatever. Part of plans with them is a contest to see who will arrive later. My husband and I started dinner once when the other two couples showed up over an hour late! There are some girls who are always late for everything. The message is, my time is more important than yours. But I am not buying.

In all these instances, I can be social. But these are not true friendships and over time you learn who is real and who will disappoint. I told Tax Babe this in one of our earliest conversations. I think she was kind of appalled but also took it as a challenge.

My point is this, I simply do not own the Girls Handbook. I never got it. On the day most Moms taught their daughters always to remember their friends birthdays, I was not around. When they passed on the secret handshake of confidence among women, the ability to pass gossip at will, to spin a conversation or to know how to always be "in style", I was not aware. Of course, my Mom is pretty much the same way. She is more of a "loner" among women. Interesting for a woman who went to Smith College. I was never in a sorority or a women's acapella group like my sisters. I enjoy the company of men and usually am talking with the boy groups at dinner parties. This is not to say I don't have women friends. I do--actually I guess I have a lot of what I would consider acquaintances. But I do believe that you only have a handful of "true friends", the kind you would put your life in danger to save.

We had a touch of that around 9/11. We had to think about who we would call to pick up our children when we were caught in NYC. I wondered who would even think about our kids, separated from their working mom in a crisis. We have a nanny and I knew they were safe, but it did cross my mind. Then there was the anthrax scare. (Don't you wonder about that one?) Anyhow, they said the drug Cipro would be the answer but it was hard to get. Of course all the Type A women in my town got prescriptions, "just in case" but two of my so-called friends got them and didn't tell anyone else when and where to get them. I hadn't even thought about it. Likewise my clueless friend T who said, don't worry about it. "If I get some you can have it, and if you get some you will share it too." And that was the birth of what my husband and I call the "Cipro friends" which is basically a true friend.

Anyway, back to Tax Babe and Legal Eagle. LE is so great at choosing restaurants that we always let him pick. He chose a great place in Tribecca called The Harrison. It is next to Tribecca Bar and Grill, or whatever it is called. It is fab. We were talking with TB and LE about how she had to take steroids for something and she felt she gained weight. He husband said, "you really can't tell honey because the top half of your body is fine, but you know, you always gain it on the bottom." Everything stopped, she looked at me and I looked at her and we both broke up laughing! How could he not have learned after 20 years of marriage not to break the cardinal rule of husband's ettiquette--"Honey you always look great!' "No, dear, you do not look fat it that dress!" "sweetie, did you lose weight?" Or run away! But never ever agree that your wife gained anything but a smile and a higher IQ! BTW, my perfect husband also made some similar remark later in the evening, pointing out that the Boys Handbook clearly states, never learn from the earlier gaffs of your brothers, brother.

Anyhow, I have a history with Tax Babe. She is the one I raced strollers downhill with in Central Park. She is the one that would roll her eyes the minute anyone said "Oh isn't he sweet!" And when she was pregnant, I fear for the person that reached out to touch her belly! She has mastered the art of how to do the most work in the least time at work. Someone asked her about her daughter at a Bar Mitzvah once....they were commenting on her beauty, and TB looked up sweetly and without any hint of sarcasm and said, "well yes, and we are hoping she will marry well."

I might not see her all the time, or even call her...for that matter. She was never in a sorority, and she really doesn't care to much to be in a group...nice but not essential is what I would imagine she would say. She is a loving friend, as is her lovely spouse. But she is like me. She never got the Girl Handbook either.

And Tax Babe...this only took about a half and hour, so relax!